Monday, September 29, 2008

Three Dogs and a Cheat

(The Fat Cat of Flanders continues to flounder in a sea of obligations. Thus, he has resorted to stealing. Phallose, otherwise known as The Misanthropic Cyclist has already given his version of the Thursday Grimp on his blog The Cat has lifted a portion of it and pasted it below with the addition of a picture or two.)

Since the Grimper Blog is broken...
I will cover the play by play of the last ride.
If I get things out of order or something, it is just because my brain is that foggy.
We left creepy square at 11:something heading out for River Road.
Immediately after crossing the river Styx,
we were halted by a retired porn star with a stop sign in her hand.
We stopped, we waited for 30 seemed minutes,
then we got the go signal and proceded to draftd a large dump truck up to the steeps.
We must have cleared 15mph a couple times there!
Then as we climbed, the rest of the string of cars passedand one by one,
Our pace was not that slow and also we had to dodge water being sprayed all over the place by a truck, of course it hit us and GOT MY BIKE DIRTY!!! GRRRR. I had not gone through a puddle in over a month! BULLSHIT... I have to clean that!! OK OK
As we approached the four way stop, I know my eyes got big...
That porn star and her redneck crew abandon us for dead,
Barreling right at us, a long line of cars (mostly big trucks) IN OUR LANE!
We slowed and got a little space and made it through...

My first plot was foiled...

This set the tone of the ride for the day, (NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES.)
Later, while a large truck was right behind us, a very large dog charged me at full speed.
I think I yelled "DOG!," (or at least I know I thought that (or "SHIT" or something like that)) and I sped up,
the dog could not change its path of attack due to its momentimum and I cleverly had dodged it.
Then I thought of the guys behind me and cringed thinking that dog was going to take someone out!
The dog skidded behind my rear tire, but recovered just in time to not take out the swerving guys behind me. (The Fat Cat felt the hot breath of the beast on his hirsute leg.)
Drat, My second plot failed! These guys had some skill...
(Phallose makes out like The Fat Cat was in his league or something. Thanks for the literary license. You'll notice that all the Fat Cat's rider photos are from behind because that's all he ever sees!)

Riding along, the conversation drifted back to more pleasant things...
The guys gave me some kudos and mentioned limited sponsorship from Grimper to represent in races starting with some sweet cleat replacements. Now praise, I have trouble with, when I am not worthy anyways, but yeah, could not handle, but an awesome gesture and a good compliment! But back to my sekrit plan!
Next, coming to a T intersection the girl in a car took a run at the guys in front of me and without that heads up play by the guys, seriously running out of the way, because that car did not stop... Serious injury was again narrowly averted.
(Can I tell you to never stop unless you have too? If we had been stopped, we would not have been able to move out of the way... and be not half as smug at the moment)
Of course we yelled something to the effect of "what is your problem!?!"
and the reply was "I DIDN'T SEE YOU!!!"
We all said in unison "That is our point!"
but she seemed intently pissed that she almost ran over bikers while driving on the wrong side of the road in an intersection. (Seriously, she came head on at The Cat- on his side of the road-and then when she stopped she got out of the car and YELLED that she didn't see the Fat Guy in a red and white polka dot jersey. Had she just had the decency to say sorry without any bluster, she would have been shown compassion instead of being skewered online. Then again, cyclists are somewhere between squirrels and dogs in the minds of some motorists.)

Man, these guys are good, I knew at this point I was going to have to call in "the Spaniel" to take at least one of these guys out.
I positioned myself for the ambush...
Spaniel, took its run from nowhere and was like a flash,
but by now Birdman was obviously on to my plan.
He saw spaniel running towards him with the kill look in its eye and calmly ran him down. (It is important to note that we were in a little paceline and traveling at about 32 to 36 mph. One wrong move up front would have doomed us all. Props to birdman for staying upright. He says Kim was looking over us)
It was a cruel thing to have to watch ladies and gentlemen,
the smiling birdman,
the crack of doggie arm,
the animal taking spinning flight down down to splat into the deep gully.
With the last great hope, Spaniel, splattered in a ditch, I knew now that my plans were foiled.
We went back to find the corpse but it had spontainiously cumbusted, no... wait, we heard it up in the woods running, so we knew it was getting around OK, so we went on our way. (The Cat was at the end of the paceline, of course, and did see the dog do a little whirly whirl and then scamper out of the ditch. The Grimpeurs were concerned and tried to call the little fellar in. The guy across the street didn't give a squat. "It's not my dog.")

This victory had given the guys some spunk.
They now took advantage of the Phil and stomped him on the remaining hills and hammered him on the rollers.
A great ride!

(Here's a gift for Phallose. He wanted to know about the Mason-Dixon Park but didn't want to take "his baby" on the gravel. The Fat Cat thinks adversity builds character-- in as much as an aluminum bike can gain any more.)


Philmeaux said...

It was me who stole... I kind of stole your style for the post. Great comments. Cheers

I set my alarm to go off on my GPS if I ever near the realm of demon dog again.

It was a really nice ride though, thanks for the props.


bluecolnago said...

some tales have to be left alone to stand on their own, and some just have to be corrected, eh?

good post, good job on getting the cat's style but ya gotta watch out about stepping on the cat's toes.... ;)